MRI DAY

WELL TODAY IS THE DAY OF THE MRI. I HOPE ALL GOES WELL IT SHOULD. I WON'T KNOW THE RESULTS UNTIL I HAVE A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT. AT THAT TIME SHE WILL DISSCUSS TREATMENT OPTIONS BUT I KNOW WHICH WAY AM LEANING SO THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

THIS WEEKEND WAS TOUGH BUT I GUESS I WILL HAVE ROUGH TIMES DEALING WITH LIFE. PART OR IS MY OWN FAULT FOR NOT LETTING PEOPLE IN TO MUCH. I HAVE STARTED TO JUST SMILE AND PRETEND THINGS ARE OK JUST SO THAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL. MY WHOLE LIFE IT HAS BEEN HARD TO LET PEOPLE IN TO HOW I AM FEELING. I THINK THAT CAME FROM CHILDHOOD. SO NOW IT IS EASIER TO NOT LET OTHERS IN THEN IT IS TO LET PEOPLE IN. IF YOU LET PEOPLE IN THEN THEY CAN HURT YOU! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT THAT I DON'T LET PEOPLE KNOW MUCH BECAUSE THE LESS THEY KNOW THE LESS THEY CAN HURT ME.

I ALSO HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM GOING TO WRITE MY DAD A LETTER AND ASK HIM WHY HE IS ACTING LIKE HE IS. I DECIDED THAT LAST NIGHT AFTER ARI TOLD ME THAT HE SENT HER STUFF FOR COLLEGE AND WANTINGHER TO VISIT ON CHRISTMAS. I WANT TO KNOW WHY SHE IS SO SPECIAL AND WHY HE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS OTHER KIDS. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM HE NEEDS TO REALIZED AND EXPLAIN WHAT HE DID TO ME AND SINCE HE WON'T I WILL ASK HIM. I DOUBT I WILL GET A RESPONSE BUT I HAVE TO DO IT SO I CAN CLOSE THAT CHAPTER, IF I DO BY CHANCE GET A RESPONSE I DON'T KNOW THAT I WILL READ IT. I DON'T KNOW THAT ANYTHING HE COULD OR WOULD SAY WOULD MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.